Warnings: Yaoi-esque, Male/Male, Reindeer/Human(YES I SAID REINDEER AND HUMAN PAIRING) general crack, very suggestive language. Pairings are: Zoro/Sanji and Sanji/Zoro (it switches) Chopper/Nami, Usopp/Luffy
Rated: R (just to be safe)
Disclaimer: This is in no way meant to bash the One Piece characters or anyone's particular preference, it was just a little something we did for our own amusement! And we can just pretend Robin missed the whole thing because she was reading XD This was X-posted at one_piece and didn't go fair too well over there because they don't appreciate CHOPPER/NAMI LOL I figured you guys would be perfect for this!
One day Sanji and Zoro were doing the dishes...
"Here Zoro, Here Zoro, Here Zoro, Zo-ro..."
And Sanji and Zoro's hands met by accident! ZORO'S BLUSH COULDN'T BE HIDDEN AS HE JUMPED and dropped the dish in his shock!
"What's wrong.." Sanji asked quizzically, noticing the red tint on the usually stoic Roronoa Zoro's cheeks.
"NOTHING!" Zoro was quick to yell back, but he knew deep in his heart that he had the major major hawts for his chef.
"Ohhh I see..." Sanji said seductively, taking another step towards the Marimo.
"Get away from me, baka!" Zoro managed to squeak out as Sanji grew closer and closer, backing him up against the kitchen wall.
"I'll show you your 'nothing'..." he crooned as he leaned over and kissed the swordsman, leaving him shocked and breathless.
All of a sudden Luffy walked in to see the two toughest men on his ship engaged in what appeared to be MAKING OUT!
"Oiiiiii are you guys having fun without me?" Luffy pouted, drooping his arms to his side when Usopp also ran in and started screaming!
"HAY GUYZ!" shouted Usopp, "I GOT SUMTHEENG 2 SHOW U AT THE CRO'S NEST!" He grinned pervertedly. "FOLLOW ME FOR A SAPRIZE!11"
Luffy's mood instantly brightened as he said "YOSSH SHOW ME USOPP!" and followed him.
Zoro pushed Sanji away, ashamed that they'd been caught, hell he never asked Sanji to kiss him, but for some reason he let him..."What do you want Baka!!!!" he yelled at the long nose while rubbing the back of his green Marimo-y head
"I want to sex Luffy up!" Usopp answered with a silly grin on his face as he grabbed Luffy's rubbery arm and took off towards the crow's nest. "Let's see how much you really can stretch!" He shouted with glee as they ascended the rope ladder.
"NANI?!" Zoro screamed, never ever thinking that Luffy and Usopp were TOTALLY GAYZORZ!
Luffy grinned, "FINALLY! I've been wanting to have sex with you for a long time!" he grinned even wider, "But I didn't know how to ask you! And believe me...Usopp-sama..." his grin turned devilish, "I can stretch really really far" A winking contest ensued afterwards.
Then Nami got jealous and screamed, "USOPP!! I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE FOR YOU! I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL YOU LYING TRAMP!! YOU YOU YOU DIRTY WHORE!!!" She fled sobbing down to the women's quarters to plot Usopp's doom and to find Chopper for a good time of her own!
Chopper had already anticipated this and eagerly awaited the moment that the lovely Nami would come sobbing into his arms, He morphed into his human form and glomped onto her when she came crying, "There there Nami, THE DOCTOR IS IN DA HOUSEEEEE!!!!!!! The LOOOOVE Doctor that is!" he grinned pervishly at her.
Nami sobbed into his big hairy reindeer-humanoid chest. "OH CHOPPER!! I JUST WANT SOMEBODY WHO LOVES ME!!" She choked out in despair. "Usopp cheated on me with Luffy! They're in the crow's nest GETTING IT ON RIGHT NOW!"
Chopper patted her back and smiled down at her kindly, "I know exactly what you need Nami! Forget that lying Usopp whorebag! You need a real MAN or at least a half reindeer half man ;-) NEEEEEEEE!" he took off his hat and threw it to the ground, a rare thing for Chopper to do since his foster dad had given it to him, "I'll all yours Nami-baby! Take me now!!!!! ....and um...be gentle..."
"OH CHOPPER!" Nami practically swooned OOC-ly. "I've always wanted to get down with a half-reindeer half-man! It was always the one thing I fantasized about but never dared think it was possible! I'M SO HOT FOR YOU!!!" And with that she slammed the door shut and pounced on Chopper.
As Nami molested him like a crack whore fiend, Chopper grinned, knowing that now, He could die happy.
Zoro was relieved that they were leaving and turned back to Sanji, "So....wanna do it with me?" he smirked at him and held out his hand.
"I do, of course," Sanji said with a wink as he took the marimo's hand. "I'm a crazed pervert and I've always wanted to know what it was like to boink a man! LET'S FIND A PLACE WHERE WE CAN BE ALONE AND I'LL COOK FOOD AND POUR IT ALL OVER YOU AND THEN LICK IT OFF! That's what chefs really do, after all! Kinky ne!?"
"HELL YEAH BABY!' Zoro screamed in a fit of OOCness, Sanji was just the way he liked a man, KINKY BABEH KINKY AND PERVERTED! "I hope you have some barbeque sauce handy, it tastes REALLY MANLY I've heard, especially on certain 'parts' of my manly manly body..." He suddenly ripped off his shirt and did a series of body builder poses, hoping to impress Sanji with his physique, "Whatta ya think, honey?" ;-)
Sanji was positively drooling as he watched the manly Marimo strike a bunch of hot manly poses with his manly body. After recovering from the massive nosebleed, he jumped up and said, "I think you're the sexiest most manly man I've ever laid my eye on, and I want you right now! So come with me and do the horizontal mambo!!" He winked suggestively, wiping drool from the corner of his mouth.
Zoro grinned, he wanted nothing more than to throw Sanji on the floor, molest him till he begged and then GIVE IT TO HIM STRAIGHT UP THE YOU KNOW WHERE. All night long of course! Zoro was the seme-est Seme to ever live! He proclaimed his manliness by beating his chest and then grabbed Sanji's shirt and threw him against the wall, covering his mouth with his own, trying to see just how far he could shove his tongue down the cook's throat, "You taste just like an ashtray, babessssssss, but I LOVE THE TASTE OF ASHTRAYS! I used to lick them when I was just a wee little lad, give it to me HARD AND HARDER! I'LL MAKE YOU SCREAM!!!!!!'
Sanji was off in la-la land, he had no idea Zoro even knew how to kiss so passionately!! "I'm glad you like it, because I don't intend to stop smoking," he purred, tracing a finger down Zoro's manly chest all the way down to his manly er...'assets'. "I'll be the perverted god of your wildest dreams!" He then proceeded to rip off his own clothes and fling them across the room. "I'm ALLLL YOURS, Marimo!"
Zoro didn't even let him finish his sentence, as he had already tackled Sanji to the ground...
From somewhere up in the crows nest, Luffy's moans of passion reverberated throughout the poor poor oversexed Going Merry, "USOPPPPPPPPPPPPP YOU'RE SOOOOOOOOOOOO SEEEEMEEEEEEEE!"
And there was much getting it onness on the Going Merry...
I love this community! More people ought to join it there is so much crack to be written! ^_^ rock on you guys!