tgecko (tgecko) wrote in onepiececrack,

The Pirate Queen Factory...

I wrote this when I was fed up with all the "Pirate Queen" Mary Sue nonsense that's floating around. :P

“Don’t you think you were a bit cruel?” Robin commented as the crew waved half-hearted goodbyes to a sullen girl pouting on the swiftly retreating docks. The assembled crew glanced at her in shock.

“Ah, that’s right!” Nami snapped her fingers before pointing them at the other woman. “This is your first Pirate Queen, isn’t it?”

“First? There have been others?”

“Too many to count.”

“Thirty-seven lovely beauties.”

Nami glared at Sanji for actually bothering to keep count of the wretchedly clingy girls.

“It wouldn’t keep happening if Luffy didn’t keep joking about wanting to add a musician to the crew.”

“But I was being ser-“ A startled yelp cut off the rest of his sentence as Nami slammed her fist down on his head.

“We don’t need a musician!”

“I don’t see the problem-“

“You haven’t been here for the other thirty-six,” Usopp interrupted. “We got rid of this one fairly quickly. All thanks to the skills of the Great Captain Usopp, of course! I can spot a Pirate Queen from a mile away, no three miles awa-“ A startled yelp cut off the rest of his bragging as Nami slammed her fist down on his head.

“That’s not fair, I’ve been here for other Pirate Queens, and they all seemed perfectly nice to me.” Chopper shuffled closer to Robin as if to take a stand with her for the Pirate Queen wannabes.

“They were perfectly nice to you.” Zoro grumbled. “It’s the rest of us they can’t stand.” A muscle tic made an appearance underneath his eye as he glared at the reindeer. “They think I’m gay. Every single one of them.”

A wave of throats needing to be cleared swept across the ship and suddenly everyone was finding the sky, or the ocean, or the deck fascinating enough to avoid making eye contact with him.

“They’re all the same, is all,” he grudgingly muttered into the awkward silence.

“He’s right.” Usopp stared at Nami, their eyes simultaneously growing wider as the same thought occurred to them both. “They have been the same, like some kind of factory’s been making little Pirate Queen robots.”

“She was a robot?” Luffy leaned over the rail, peering through the distance in the hopes of seeing something great. “Coo-“ A startled yelp cut off the rest of his exclamation as Nami attacked him once more with fists of love.

“Do you think it’s some sort of conspiracy, then?” A rush of smoke accompanied Sanji’s reluctantly voiced theory. All the Pirate Queen hopefuls had been extremely lovely, and best of all had held no doubts as to where his tastes lay. The only time they’d ever annoyed him was when they tried to help in his kitchen.

“It’s not working that well if it is. It doesn’t look as though they’ve been any sort of threat so far.” Seemingly disinterested in the topic at hand, Robin sank down into her usual chair and opened up her book to the marked page.

Luffy, who had snagged some paper and crayons from Usopp’s bag when he wasn’t looking, proudly displayed a picture of a square gray box, stick figures with lopsided circles that were dubious representations of breasts walking out the side. “The Pirate Queen factory! Maybe we can find a good musician there?”

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